


Harbor in the Storm

by BarbaLovesCarisi (CaptainAmericasShield)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Amanda and Sonny are BFFs, Angst, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, My Ultimate Brotp, Sonny Carisi Deserves Better 2kForever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2020-05-02 10:02:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19196623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainAmericasShield/pseuds/BarbaLovesCarisi
Summary: After the end of Sunk Cost Fallacy, Sonny Carisi needs help. Rafael Barba is the only one who can help him.





	Harbor in the Storm

**Author's Note:**

> Huge shoutout to smindersonfan and nosveremosenlostribunalesmiamigo on Tumblr for being my beta readers, I appreciate both of you :)

“Do you want me to walk up with you?” Amanda asked, turning to face Sonny.

Sonny replied with a nod. “Thank you,” he said softly.   His heart was racing, mind _still_ racing, he couldn’t think straight. The one thing he did know was that he needed someone-he needed Rafael Barba.

Amanda was kind enough to take him to his boyfriend’s apartment once the medics had cleared him. He didn’t want to be alone. He _couldn’t_ be alone, not now.

When they arrived, Sonny got out of the car, closed the door, and slowly made his way up to Rafael’s apartment, Amanda following close behind. He was still shaking, an aftermath of the shock, but managed to raise his arm to knock gently on the door. Amanda knocked a second time on Sonny’s behalf, harder than he’d have been able to.

The door opened, and Rafael stepped out, face filled with concern when he saw Sonny with blood on his collar and a bandage on his forehead. The two embraced and Sonny began to break down in his arms.

“Here, come in,” he said hurriedly, ushering the two detectives in. “Dominick, _cari_ _ñ_ _o_ , what happened?” he asked, turning to Sonny.

“I-” he couldn’t explain. He didn’t want to talk about it, not now. He turned to Amanda, hoping she could explain so he didn’t have to.

“He was taking Jules Hunter to a safe house. She was going to testify against her husband,” Amanda started. “Liv and I think her husband put a hit out on her.”

“God. What-” Rafael paused.

“They were hit by another SUV- it blew through a stop sign going around 55. Didn’t try to stop. Jules bled out.” Amanda lowered her voice to a whisper before continuing. “Sonny blames himself, but he did everything he could to save her. He’s very shaken up. Take care of him.”

“Of course,” Rafael replied softly, turning back to Sonny. “Dominick,” he said softly.

Sonny looked at the ground, afraid to meet his boyfriend’s eyes.

“Dominick,” Rafael repeated softly before turning to Amanda. “Thank you for bringing him over. I’ll take care of him,” he reassured her.

“Thanks. Liv said he can take as much time as he needs- she doesn’t expect him to come back any time soon,” Amanda replied.

Rafael nodded.

Amanda turned to Sonny and smiled reassuringly. “If you need anything, let me know,” she started. Sonny nodded. “You’ll get through this, I promise,” she finished, putting a hand on his shoulder before turning towards Rafael. “Thank you for taking care of him. Everyone is worried about him.”

“I can imagine. I’ll take some time off work to make sure he’s not alone.”

“Alright,” Amanda paused before turning to Sonny again. “Take care of yourself,” she said, smiling softly at him.

Sonny nodded, then returned his gaze toward the ground. Amanda turned to leave and walked out the front door. Rafael walked to the door and locked it behind her, then turned and walked back over to where Sonny was now sitting on the couch, face in his hands. Rafael could tell the younger man was about to break down again, it was a tell Sonny always used after a trauma like this.  Rafael sat down next to Sonny and wrapped an arm around him. Sonny leaned over and put his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder, briefly closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“I- I can’t.” He paused to breathe before continuing. “Not now.”

Rafael sighed and pressed his lips to the top of Sonny’s head. “If you do want to talk, please let me know. I promise I’m not going anywhere. You’re not alone, I’m not leaving you. I’ll be with you every step of the way. We’ll get through this together.”

That was all it took. That was enough to break Sonny. He didn’t deserve him.  The tears began to fall before he could stop them. He slightly turned his head to bury his face in Rafael’s shoulder. It was his fault. Jules was dead because of him. They told him he couldn’t have saved her.  He felt he could have tried harder. He _should have_ tried harder. He could barely close his eyes without seeing her face, her body, broken and bloody on the street.  She deserved better. She didn’t deserve to die like this, she was too young. It killed him that he couldn’t have done more to save her.

“I- I’m sorry,” he said quietly with a broken voice.

“Don’t apologize Dominick.  Please don’t,” Rafael said softly, pressing another kiss to the top of Sonny’s head.  He could feel Sonny shaking, his body racked with sobs. “You’re upset, you’re traumatized, you’ve been through a lot tonight. Please don’t think this makes me think any less of you. I know you try to be strong, but it’s okay for you not to be strong sometimes. It’s okay for you to break down. You’re only human. Please don’t forget that.”

“But you-”

“Dominick, I don’t expect you to be perfect, I don’t expect you to be a superhuman. I love you for who you are. Please don’t think you need to change to make me happy. I’m already happy. I love you, and I couldn’t ask for a better boyfriend. You’ve changed my life in more ways than you know, Dominick.”

“I- I could have- I should have-”

“Shh, Dominick. You did everything you could, did your best with the knowledge and skills you had. That’s all you can ever do. As much as I know you’d like to, you can’t save everyone. No one expects you to.”

“I know, I just- I just feel there’s more I could have done.”

“Please don’t blame yourself Dominick. I know you want to, I really do, and I know it will be hard to accept it’s not your fault. No one blames you.”

“I do.”

“I know. And you will for a while. It will take time for you to stop blaming yourself. If there is anything you need, anything I can do, please let me know.”

Sonny nodded. “I- thank you, Raf.”

“Of course, Dominick.”

“I hate this,” Sonny said after a long pause, looking up at Rafael.

“I know you do,” Rafael replied softly, putting his hand on the side of his face and gently wiping away any remaining tears. “I cannot imagine what you’re going through right now. Like I said, I will be with you every step of the way. Anything you need, please just ask.”

“Thank you, Raf. Honestly, I think all I need right now is you.”

Rafael smiled softly and nodded. “I’m right here, Dominick. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”

Sonny paused before speaking again. “Sorry to change the subject, but do you mind if I take a quick shower? I still have blood on me and I need to get it off.”

“Of course, Dominick. Do you mind if I sit with you? I don’t know how I feel about leaving you alone right now.”

“That’s fair. Honestly, I don’t care either way.”

“Thank you. I think I'd feel better if you weren’t alone.”

They stood up and walked into the bathroom. Rafael sat on the floor, leaning against the door, while Sonny got in the shower.

“Thank you, Raf,” Sonny eventually said, breaking the silence that had formed between them.

Rafael looked up. “For what?”

“Everything. Everything you’ve done for me, everything you’re doing for me. I don’t deserve you.”

“Dominick, you _do_ deserve me, I promise. Honestly, if there is anyone who deserves to be happy, it’s you. Please don’t think you don’t deserve me.”

“I just don’t know if I can feel otherwise. Not right now, with what just happened.”

“I completely understand.” Rafael paused before continuing. “Not to change the subject, but if you’re feeling up to it, we should try to find you a therapist tomorrow. Believe me, that’ll help you more than you think it will.”

“I think finding one sooner rather than later would be a good idea. Thank you, Raf.”

“Of course. I just want to help you in any way I can. It breaks my heart to see you this upset.”

Sonny exited the shower and pulled his clothes on before joining Rafael on the floor.

“Thank you. Thank you for caring, thank you for being here, thank you for helping me. I really do appreciate it more than you know.”

Rafael wrapped an arm around him and pressed a quick kiss to his forehead. “I love you, Dominick. More than you know, more than I thought I could love anyone. You’ve changed my life, and you’ve made me a better person. I owe so much to you.”

Sonny smiled for the first time since he arrived at Rafael’s apartment. “I love you too, Raf.  I don’t know what I would do without you. I feel so incredibly lucky to have such an amazing boyfriend.”

“I can say the same thing. I couldn’t ask for a better boyfriend.”

“You want to go somewhere more comfortable?”

Rafael looked at his watch. “It’s getting late, I don’t know if you had dinner at any point tonight, but if not, there’s leftovers in the fridge.”

“Not hungry. Too anxious to be hungry, to be honest.”

“I understand. If you get hungry during the night, feel free to get up and get something to eat.”

“Thank you, Raf.  You sure you’re okay with me staying here?”

“Of course, Dominick. You’re always welcome to stay here,” Rafael said, standing up and offering his hand to the younger detective. Once both were standing, they walked out of the bathroom and into the bedroom.

“Thank you for letting me stay here, Raf. I don’t think I could handle being by myself right now.”

“As I said, you’re always welcome to stay here. If you want to get in bed, I need to make a phone call. I’ll be right outside the door, and I’ll keep it open.”

Sonny nodded and walked over to the right side of the bed, pulling back the covers and climbing in. He always loved staying with his boyfriend of six months-it was comforting to have Rafael curled up against him, feeling his steady heartbeat, and knowing he was loved.  Rafael walked in moments later and climbed into bed next to him. Sonny instinctively wrapped an arm around him, pulling him closer then pressing a quick kiss to the top of his head.

“I love you, Rafael Barba.”

“I love you too, Dominick Carisi.”

Rafael looked up and smiled before pressing his lips to Sonny’s. He moved his hand to the side of his face and smiled into the kiss. Sonny pulled back after a moment and took Rafael’s hand in his own.

“Goodnight, Raf,” he said quietly.

“Goodnight, Dominick,” Rafael replied. “One last thing - if you have any nightmares or night terrors relating to what happened tonight, please wake me up. I don’t care what time it is, wake me up.”

“I will,” Sonny mumbled.

“I’m serious, Dominick. You don’t have to go through this alone.”

“I will Raf, don’t worry.”

“Thank you. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Rafael moved to drape his arm across Sonny’s chest and smiled to himself.

_“Te amo mas que al mundo,”_ he whispered quietly, perhaps too quietly for Sonny to have heard him.

Sonny smiled to himself and tried to fall asleep. Even if he couldn’t, having Rafael curled up against him, arm draped across his chest, was enough to put his mind at ease. It wouldn’t be easy, but with time and his boyfriend by his side, he knew things would get better, and he would be able to heal.

**Author's Note:**

> I just really love the lawyer boyfriends, and I really do think Sonny deserves better. Sonny deserves to be happy with Barba, and I really wish the SVU writers had gone more in depth with how this affected him.
> 
> Find me on Tumblr @barbalovescarisi :)


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